How early motherhood may feel when you're neurodivergent

I understand myself so much better now.

Making the realisation that I’m Autistic at 52 made for quite an intense and emotional start to 2023. The penny-drop moments were frequent and many. Old friends went aha, yes, I see that. My kids and husband were kind and supportive with the occasional humorous, yet grounding dig. I was whirling around a little.

You see, I’ve always been the smart one, the articulate and knowledgeable one, at least among people close to me and don’t get me started on my special interests at a family dinner, unless you’re ready for a long dissertation. And yet, so sensitive, desperately needing time alone and maybe a few control issues? How did we not work this out earlier? I chatted about why in my last blog, you can read it here: Why it took me so long to realise I’m Autistic.

Anyway, I’ve begun creating a new group process for mums finding the adjustment to motherhood difficult, due to all sorts of reasons from birth trauma, to sleeplessness, post-natal depression, lack of support and perfectionism. Maybe even due to neurodivergence? Where this journey of thinking about early motherhood and interviewing nine beautiful women about their experiences has taken me, is to see how I was challenged by certain aspects of parenting, due to being Autistic.

And, to being incredibly grateful that I didn’t become a parent until I was 31, because my sensory sensitivities and social anxiety definitely lessened as I matured. What hadn’t changed much were my coping mechanisms of perfectionism, self-control, disconnection from my emotions and people pleasing. I was all mind and not much heart. Although since my heart is so sensitive, I did have immense empathy for others, I was just blind to my own needs and inner wisdom.

Being an Autistic Mum

So, let’s take a look at the ways Autism or neurodivergence of any brand may impact the ways we mother. I experienced a difficult birth and this added to the intensity of my transition but really, any birth is a pretty huge experience, and for Autistic women, it’s a whole other level of sensory overload, loss of control, emotional overwhelm and opportunities for dissociation. Here’s some common experiences, and please remember that anyone who identifies as neurodivergent or as highly sensitive, may relate:

• Delayed bonding with the baby due to feelings of overwhelm and being in a trauma-response or emotional shutdown if the delivery was traumatic, or simply felt that way
• Self-judgement over having sensory sensitivities such as feeling ‘touched out’ due to the amount of physical contact with the baby, especially if breastfeeding, or getting overwhelmed by long crying episodes, leading to shutdown or meltdown
• Social anxiety and/or sense of overwhelm when attending mothers’ groups due to the sounds of babies crying and lots of chatter and emotionally-loaded disclosure among fellow mums
• A higher likelihood of experiencing post-natal depression, anxiety or OCD, especially if the birth was traumatic or mum or baby were unwell
• Perfectionism and difficulty with letting go of perceived failings to do with the birth process and how the early days and weeks were managed
• Becoming rigidly attached to particular settling, feeding, burping or bathing approaches that have been researched or recommended by ‘baby-wise’ authority figures in an aim to get it ‘right’
• Strongly craving time alone or even fantasising about escaping the whole situation, when feeling sensory overload, emotional overwhelm or dread that’s built up from an internal sense of failure
• Loss of identity and internal stability due to the chaotic nature of early infancy and the lack of structure, rules and control

Does any of this sound familiar? Perhaps you know a family where this is going on but you wouldn't know from the outside?

The tricky thing is, most of us attach a lot of shame and fear to any experience we don't judge as 'normal'. We’re frightened that if someone found out how we were really feeling, they’d think we were a bad mother or worse, think we weren’t capable of caring for our child at all. It’s honestly how some mothers end up feeling and many women are even too stressed or fearful to talk to their partners about it.

My experiences as a new mum were actually pretty positive overall. What took me the longest time to recover from, was the sense of failure and disappointment over the birth that didn’t go as planned. I can now see how my Autistic ways of thinking made it harder for me to let go and I can accept this was my journey to experience.

If you need support, there's actually lots available these days. Reach out to me or contact an organisation like The Centre for Perinatal Psychology or Cope, both in Australia,

Oh, and podcast episode on We Can Do Hard Things is a great listen: Why So Many Women Don’t Know They Are Autistic with Katherine May

I also love The Neurodivergent Woman Podcast for excellent info and enjoyment!